I’ve already admitted my inability to write a simple email invite. Today I learned it extends to all forms of mass emailing. All I had to do was write a quick note to my new indoor soccer team. The message was simple: our roster is complete and they should all pay me back before I look at my credit card statement again and end up in the corner rocking myself while thinking about just how bad of a homeless person I would make. Simple.
From there my Thought Process of Doom went something like this: You know it would probably be nice if I included a list of the people on the team in the email so everyone would know who they will be playing with. On second thought, a name doesn’t really say much if they’ve never met the person. What I should really do is describe each player a little bit. But that will get boring by the second person if it’s not catchy. I should make each one catchy. That’s not catchy enough. Is that too mean? What’s the opposite of stretchy? Are her eyes blue? Wow this is fun.
The resulting email went something like this:
Subject: Indoor: I’ll be brief… (You see what I did there? It’s called sarcasm! And enticing readers under false pretenses!)
The indoor roster is now complete!
Caroline…This defense and midfield extraordinaire will run you into the ground until she gets you. And your little dog too.
Cecily…Armed with an inhaler that may or may not contain cocaine, she plays here and there and everywhere.
Courtney…Stretch Armstrong might as well be made of plastic compared to this goalie with the magic hands.
Ellen…Faster than a speeding bullet, her mild-mannered ability to make the ball disappear from the opposition is more than super.
Kelley…Sporting bumblebee socks and a killer foot, she floats like a butterfly and stings like a…well, you know.
Kim…She’s Kim. Enough said.
Kristin H.…Tough doesn’t describe her. Tough sobs quietly in the corner after she calmly kicks its ass. With her bad ankle.
Kristin W.…This blue-eyed blonde will smile sweetly while she crushes your hopes and dreams of victory.
Mara…Not only does she blow opponents away with her midfield moxy, she comes with the #1 fan in an incredible 2-for-1 deal!
Megan…Honestly it’s not altogether clear how she made the cut.
Sara…Give her an inch of space and she’ll not only take a mile, she’ll take your dignity.
Suzanne…Don’t consult your thesaurus, cause there are NO WORDS to express what she does on the soccer field.
Seyelle…She’s so skilled her moves have moves. And they laugh at your pitiful attempts to stop them.
Now on to the important part of the email, namely, the part where you people send me money as soon as possible.
My payment method of choice would be to my paypal account. Please send the money as a gift and not as payment for a purchase. This takes less than a minute for those of our generation so go on, you know you want to.
If you’re feeling nostalgic for the good ole days of checkbooks and snail mail, you can also mail me a check.
Finally you can choose to wait and bring the money to the first game. But then you will receive a frowny face notation next to your name on my all-knowing team spreadsheet. And you don’t want that.
In closing, if you find yourself despairing over the fact that you will never get those 5 minutes that it took you to read this email back, you might want to prepare yourself for the long haul. Because I will probably just get more loquacious (Gotta love that word of the day calendar!) as the season goes on.